The science and the love have all but left my life permanently. When my precious cat Arrow leaves this world, having been through surgery with recurring Cancer, a large part of me will go with her. It’s not a depression I have, but a life-changing attitude, an eye-opening slap in the face, tearing at my heart and soul. I’m 37, unemployed after quitting an unbelievably frustrating management job, living on my savings. I’ve never been married, nor have I fathered any children. I’m a 6-year Navy veteran and having learned electronics in the Navy, have worked in that field now for 18 years.
I have traveled from California to Greece, from Iceland to Africa, and from Canada to the Caribbean. I’ve been skydiving, Scuba diving, bungee jumping, water skiing, parasailing, and jet skiing. I’ve seen the Aurora Borealis, a sky with 3 rainbows, and coached the birth of a human child. I’ve found God, forsaken God, then just became good friends with God. I have had much love and much beauty in my life and have lived my dreams and done all I have ever wanted to do.
It’s not that I want to die; I’m just tired. Weary of it all with the life I’ve led and the foundation I’ve built for the rest of my life. I am not afraid of dying. I would embrace it in case of its inevitability. But suicide would be an irresponsible way to leave this world. It would pain the people who love me. And while I could be selfish enough to do that, I’m really not that desperate. Logically speaking, ending one’s life is simply wasting that segment on a timeline between the point of purposeful death and the point of one’s natural or unplanned death. And spiritually, though I don’t believe it in my heart, many would say ending your own life condemns your soul.
I believe most people live perhaps twice my years before seeing the meaning of life as I do, and truly understanding the gift and futility of existence. There are a lot of reasons for this. Not the least of which is the fact that I have had more time than most people to explore the world, as well as my thoughts. I’ve gone out of my way to make sure I can live at my pace, to stay independent and if I wish, isolated. The best times of my life I have been alone. Sharing the world with a soul mate can be wonderful, but your true love must be yourself. And for me, it is a lifelong endeavor learning to love myself.
Loving oneself is to love with an eclectic passion. Eclecticism to me has always meant exploration and nonconformity, and that means risk. What is the average person willing to risk in order to enjoy life as he truly can? It is in fact only now that I have begun to profoundly think in terms of how average or normal people would think; now here’s a sign of growing old. Even the sharpest of rebel swords dulls in time I suppose.
Anyway, risking one’s life is the first thing that comes to mind. And risked my life I have indeed! From stunts on a bicycle as a child to unprotected sex as an adult, the thrill has always intrinsically been more important than the consequence.
Those days are basically over now. The risks I take now involve taxing my lungs and liver with cigarettes and beer, and testing my girlfriend with my self-indulgent and solitary lifestyle. Old habits do die so hard.
As an aging bachelor in my position it is rather challenging to decide on priorities, priorities of what to think and what to do. Being unemployed by choice adds even more to the detachment I have always felt from the pack. That in itself is not a negative though. It’s only from a strong work ethic I have, stemming from a sense of duty from the military, that I feel compelled to achieve professional accomplishment, even esteem. Other priorities unfortunately seem to come more from guilt than duty. I try never to put myself in a position where I owe anyone anything. I don’t borrow money, I don’t make promises I can’t keep and I don’t lie. Therefore my duties and obligations are minimal. It’s the way I have to be to feel free, and feeling I’m a free spirit means everything to me.
Obviously marriage is not conducive to my life philosophy. I used to condemn marriage, partly from the failed marriages I have witnessed and partly from the pain of lost love I have had. But my judgment was superficial; now I understand why people take that risk, as I know why I have not. People try to obtain security and stability, permanence, the knowledge that they will not be alone, forever. This is wrong thinking; it’s no wonder most marriages are destined to fall apart. This thinking is innate to our society and it is an innate flaw in our society, without a doubt. Unfortunately, the complications are immense and the stigmas of marriage will endure. But I do not condemn marriage, rather the views of marriage, and the peril it may bring. I contest that the institution of marriage is simply not the path that perhaps one half of society should chose. Which half? Well that’s a different can of worms, maybe a future topic to write about!
As I see life now, one needs health, money, and passion to live happily. Health means being mostly free of physical and mental disease; money means having food and shelter; and passion means having hope. Health is a partially random possession, but can of course be greatly affected and improved by one’s behavior. Money is a necessary evil and unless you are lucky you have to get it through your profession. And lastly, passion involves everything else besides health and money; this would include entertainment, spirituality, sports, hobbies, pets, family, friends, and relationships. Now this doesn’t mean you can’t have a passion for heath or a passion for money, but it does mean that money can’t directly buy you health and being healthy does indeed make you rich in a way!
Luckily I have been pretty healthy so far (knock on wood). And while I am not wealthy, I have made enough to pay the bills, enjoy my life, and even save up for this very long rainy day. So consequently, my life has mostly been about the passion. I’ve always felt that if I found my passion, that if I knew what I wanted out of life and went after it, that I would be healthy and wealthy indeed. This has not been the case; in fact it’s the inverse. I’ve never known what my true passion is, and have nevertheless been healthy and wealthy enough just the same. Perhaps my true passion is searching for my passion, and though I’m not giving up, I feel at this stage in my life it is viable enough to say I’ll find no other explanation, and therefore no greater passion.
LIVE LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW, BUT ALSO AS IF TODAY WILL NEVER END.
Arrow is dead. It was horrible. Worst thing that has ever happened to me in my 37 plus years of life. I see her everywhere and feel dead myself. Tears are flowing all the time but they don't come close to representing how I feel now. All I have lived for is now gone. I loved her and do love her memory as I can never love anyone or anything. All is lost and I am no more. God help me and keep her alive in whatever afterlife there is, waiting for my own departure from this life. Now all I have is her spirit to look forward to. At least for now. However tested my fragile little soul has been, I know I will get though this and flourish from it. I hear her purrs and meows in my sleep and in my dreams. I feel her sweet nasal moisture on my naked body. I remember all her days and all her feline ways and demeanors. I ache for her purr in my arms, as she always did.
Even when she was mad at me she would purr for me. Her ability to be independent mimicked mine, for she would purr for herself as well as for me. We always had each other. We always had a reason to be feline and human. We were symbiotic. We were synergetic. We were a match, a partnership, inseparable, we had a sacred bond. We made a microcosmic reality for all our synergistic relationship stood for; freedom, strength, independence, reliability and consistency. We ruled our world and together we said "fuck you" to everything that got in the way of our happiness and our ability to live freely as man and cat. We had each other. We had the world. We had lots of pleasure, lots of love and lots of time and hope. I know I gave her a great life, she gave me a wonderful life. She gave me a reason to live when all the ones I chose to love left me, were alienated by me, died, or simply moved on, literally and figuratively.
And while I always felt she kept me going and saved me from destroying myself, those same feelings are human traits, not feline. She lived and loved as nature allowed. And while that may be my root force now after all my struggles and trials, I realize I am above her, because I am a more advanced species. While I admire her traits, I know I am above them; and just as I adored them, as my own child's traits, my child is dead and nature moves forward. I will live without my child, without my ARROW. God, you seem to be asleep these last 2000 years, wake up with the blissful creature that has evolved and died and come to you!!!!!!!!! Our Jesus barely meant more to me. But now he will. God bless ME AND MY ARROW.
Come see me if you can. I am home on crutches til I go back to work Wednesday, on crutches for an additional 3 weeks. If all goes well from there, I will be in a walking cast for 6 more weeks. Lots of healing going on here, hope you can be part of it. I love you Dave. All my love to Margot, Bree, and Luke. May the Force of Nature, Science, Love, and God go with you.
Your bro and longest friend
Jaybo
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Arrow was diagnosed with a possible hernia yesterday, the lump in her right side, which made me happy. (She has not been eating dry food lately, but still loves canned food or "SUMPIN to WEET!" And her bowel movements have been less frequent and hard and occasionally involuntary {just pops out- Jake, did you notice this while I was in the Bahamas???}) A tumor would have been a worse illness; a hernia would have been a blessing. The Doctor who made this diagnosis came here yesterday, Harford Mobile Veterinary Services. He referred me to Festival Vet. Hospital, for x-rays and tests, today.
I just got back from this 2nd excursion. Bought a mobile cage for Arrow; she liked it! Ate the whole way to the vet! See, I had put a can of SUMPIN in there last night and she went in and returned periodically to munch! (What a trooper my baby is indeed!) The mobile vet. was wrong. Arrow has a tumor; the colon and the small intestines are fine, I saw them in place on the x-ray. The cytology exam (viewed cells from the mass under a microscope) revealed Mesenchymal cells (kidney-related), indicating some kind of carcinoma (a cancer arising in the epithelial tissue of the skin or of the lining of the internal organs). She also had a 105 degree temperature (101 to 102 is normal for a cat - 105 is real high). So I have Amoxicillin Trihydrate, antibiotic, in an eyedropper bottle for oral use every 12 hours for 2 weeks. I just did it, gave it to her; awful, like trying to pry open a beartrap to get your ankle out!
Now I have to go to a surgeon on Monday, surgery looks pretty imminent at this point, unless there's a fairly high risk she won't make it. In that case I'll keep her here until she dies or is too sick to be happy. Then I will either have lethal injection here (if she can't sleep, eat, etc.) and then cremate her, or just take her to get cremated (if she dies here), and get ashes for a road trip scattering. Where I haven't decided yet.
The good news at this point (as if!) is that her lungs look ok on the x-ray (the lungs is where most cancers of this type spread to first). I just hung up with a doctor who told me that this scenario (lungs ok, tumor seems contained so far) yields at least 75% survival rate. I will risk that, but I want to be with her when she dies. If she dies in surgery, commit me! I can't handle that. Negs on "the patient died, I'm sorry" hospital scene.
She is a strong entity; all I feel and love is directed towards willing her through this. I'm thinking full recovery, like Jake the Cat and his last attack! Long live my Arrow, my Beau!
Thanks for all your e-mail, IMs, and phonecalls of compassion. Most people wouldn't understand my attachment to this animal; I'm glad you all do! Arrow is my very soul in many ways and she means all to me. That little hope in the back of your minds, may help, just to nudge the God of nature, karma, and catdom to give me a few more precious years with my baby. <3>
Arrow sends her hisses and purrs to Chewy, Jake the Cat, Patches, Pumpkin, that old Sylvester, Cid, Zeppelin, Snooks (RIP)
As for the unemployment/vacation spree I have been on, Bahamas was a dream come true, I have a second interview July 19th with a major telecommunications corp., and I'm in negotiations for a possible job and/or partnership with my little brother who just started his own company, WTG bro! Otherwise, man I love sleeping late and playing adventure games!
Attached video, compressed, executable format (scanned and safe from viruses) follows, just over 1 Megabytes
"Beau"coup love
Jay & Arrow
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